SENSATIONAL NEWS FROM BARASSIE !! - Miller takes club championship

DJ Miller, the younger

(Report by an ageing golf correspondent)

Ageing golfer David J. Miller has stunned the medical profession (and his fellow members) by lifting the Barassie Club Championship at the incredible age of 57 years and 362 days. The 36 hole stroke-play event saw Miller see off the challenge of Barassie's 'young guns' by birdieing three of the last four holes to set up a three man play off.

One of the contenders dropped out after three holes as the two remaining players headed for the fourth play off hole. There were dramatic and emotional scenes at this point when Miller's battery powered wheel chair ran out of 'oomph' making it impossible for him to continue the play off. Volunteers quickly came to the rescue however and wheels were hastily fitted to a chair from the Club lounge to allow Miller to continue his quest for glory.

Further drama ensued when Miller, currently under supervision by South Ayrshire Council Social Services Department, became agitated as it became apparent that he would be late in returning to his nursing home, from where he had been given a 'day pass'.  Social services were contacted and they despatched a local doctor to administer medication to calm Miller down. As the doctor injected Miller, rumours began to spread that this was, in fact, a lethal injection and loud cheering began to ring out from the gallery.

 Their hopes were quickly dashed however as Miller was eventually wheeled onto the tee to despatch a fine tee shot down the fairway. Miller's remaining opponent, clearly in a state of shock that someone so old, dizzy and frail still possessed such stunning power, quickly succumbed by taking two shots to extricate himself from a greenside bunker. Miller calmly rolled a thirty footer to the holeside for victory, a miracle in itself as he can barely see the length of his new belly putter let alone a hole thirty feet away.

Wild celebrations followed as Miller was mobbed by his legion of fans before being wheeled back to the Clubhouse by both of them for the trophy presentation. Sky Sports golf presenter Tim Barter asked Miller how he was able to continue to play at such a high level at this remarkable age. Miller, whose physical frailty is compounded by dementia, said that he could remember little of he day except having banana with his 'Special K' breakfast. He felt therefore that this must have been what got him over the line.

Miller was also sure that he could remember something about a support network called the Scottish Seniors Tour and that many of his friends there were also similarly disabled, both mentally and physically, but especially mentally. Knowing that many of them were in an even worse state than him had given him hope for the future, whatever is left of it.

A specially fitted out vehicle then arrived and care workers whisked him away to his nursing home for a cup of tea, an empire biscuit and then 'beddie bops'.

What a man!!